(Didn’t get chance to make much graph these days, hopefully i can get back to that very soon)

well, I made the line last night, “either I suicide or I am just gonna ‘kill’ my self first”.

There’s no much common sense that how far you should go for pursuing your own interests on other peoples’ effort. Any relationship or partnership or workshop are based on levels or status. If you are under somebody, you normally just have to do whatever the other one is asking, independent to whatever you or his characteristic is, independent to how difficult that you or he think of this project, independent to how willing that you or he want to pursue this project.

This is just sad. Because I start to realize any project is trivial in terms of difficulty if the answer to above questions are answered properly first. Since they are hard to access and evaluate, people are just skipping it at the very beginning. Here’s where the uncertainty and stress build up. Because what you want to do isn’t important, only the feeling that you are willing to pursue your life and fulfill yourself matters, which leads to your happiness and freedom.

The distance between peoples are getting very far in terms of answering the above questions, whereas the distance is too close in terms of asking other people to do things for you. Everybody is thinking they’re doing more good to other people by asking others to do granted things. This is just not true. In China, there’s a good saying “friends shouldn’t get too close”, there’s no need to make the distance between people too close, especially when it comes to marriage/collaboration/friendship. People needs space to breath, to grow, to think, to be happy. No two monkeys you see actually holds together tightly as no tomorrow. They help each other, but they only play together when they’re willing to and be able to. And normally this happens spontaneously, without pressure, and especially without reasoning.

So, it’s an art to develop a distance for all relationships to a comfortable extent. Some people naturally do good on this, while some people lacks this ability badly. However, if you think it’s too much, there’s always a mode you can think of to get you out of all the mess, “shutting yourself down completely” for couple of seconds, or days or months, depending how short this distance becomes. The shorter, the longer you shut yourself, this way the distance will grow automatically. Remember the goal isn’t to keep all relationship perfect, instead, you want to keep them in a comfortable distance that you can enjoy them while you are breathing, alive.

Moreover once you are in that comfort state, the direction of where you should head to appears naturally. It might be the very difficult thing you ever dare to touch. However in that state, you know you’re destined to it, you are confident as long as you stay in that state. It’s not fairy tale, but you have to keep in that state to be brave, strong, to support yourself. No one else will help in terms of that, since no one can tell you how to be happy. So screw them, screw everything and screw any support. There’s none of them that can support you. Just focus on that state, you will be yourself.

Once you’ve been in that state, you can come back and merge with the noisy reality, all shit but real. You might become scared a little but eventually you’ll be happy you can be with this shity world, since you know you can get out of there to pursue whatever you want at any time if you want to. This should be your best support that you can ever have. God bless you from this day. How peaceful does this sound ? Just don’t wait for others to realize your future,

“Either you suicide, or you ‘kill’ yourself first” - Fang Jin

(trying to learn to draw, but obvious, I suck

This is a topic of self acceptance. Do you deserve what you got, or what you’re after.

Maybe you are in a stage of changing, or looking for different life style, or sharpening your skills. But wait a second, do you respect what you’re doing, do you expect what you’re after, can you imagine you’re the one who deserve this type of work, can you imagine the day when you are getting it finally. Are you treating yourself good while working on it ? Can you feel the accomplishment aftermath ?

Accept your current status no matter what it is. Accept your goal and the possibility of getting it. Feel the respectful thoughts that you deserve who you are and who you want to be. You’re doing the right thing, so let’s spend a respectful time doing it.

You deserve this, and the moment doing it. How wonderful is this ? Having it when doing it.

(above picture is taken by my gf from her displacement simulation project, looks wild)

Put many thoughts on the childish these days, since I start to realize that most of my behavior was not much different from my childhoods’. Once I realized that, it seems lots of what I worry about is non-sense, and I’ll be a lot more happy if I weren’t this childish.

Well, once I realized that I had a conclusion there’s only that much time to worry things every day, for example, ten minites, after that, I’m done. Since there’s always things to worry, and things to make you unhappy, independent of what you do. Then there’s always things to make you happy and make you worry-free. So why spend so much time worrying and feel unhappy.

Damn, whatever now, I’ll just use the time I have to make myself happy from now on since I’m not child anymore, and I don’t have to stick with my childish behavior, just be happy. LOL